Everyday I feel as though I am trying to release something from my grief. Whether it’s my guilt, anxiety, fears, and pain. At the same time, I don’t want to release any of it. This may sound so crazy, but keeping those feelings with me keep me closer to Jonah. I don’t want to let go and I don’t want to ‘move on’. The first time I didn’t cry when I went to the cemetery to say goodnight to Jonah, I was so mad at myself. I thought, “Your baby just died and you can’t cry at his grave?!” But I have released those expectations of how I’m suppose to act and feel. I’ve realized that he knows what I’m thinking, and he knows how much I think of him throughout the days. Without the support of my husband, I don’t think I could have realized this on my own. We both have our own ways of grieving and we both help each other on this journey. He is my rock.
Many people have asked me, when are you going to try again? In hopes that this will help with the pain, but I always respond, “I have to let my broken heart heal first.” I think people (who have good intentions) believe that another baby would ‘fix’ me. Another baby would fill my empty arms, but what about my broken heart? Would another baby fix my broken heart? At this point, no. I wonder when people ask me that question, do they know the fear behind having another baby for me? I know the percentage of this happening again is so low, but can you imagine my fear? Can you imagine even if I miscarried within the first trimester how bad that would break me? I wanted Jonah, so I need to take my time to grieve and miss him.
My greatest hope in all of this would be for Drew and I try again in our own time and have a happy, healthy baby with many more following. My hope is to tell my future children about their older brother and take them to visit him. My hope is to teach my future children about the beautiful place Jonah is in. I want my future children to know that they always have someone looking out for them and they will always have someone to talk to when they need a listening ear. Jonah will be the arch angel of our family. He will share our joys and our sorrows and he will always be with us – guiding us and protecting us, but most of all loving us.