“A Pair of Shoes”
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
A fellow blogger and friend shared this poem today and as I read it I thought how perfectly it fit me right now. Earlier this week I went to a store that was not in my hometown and the person who was working there (she did not know me) was being friendly and asked me if I had children. I panicked. I looked around the room and my face turned red. I didn’t know what to say.
Do I say yes? I do and explain that my sweet boy died in my womb? Do I tell her that I carried my son for 7 months and when he died I gave birth to him like any other baby? Do I tell her that I would give anything I had to have him happy, healthy and here with me? Do I tell her my sweet boy is in Heaven?
Or do I simply say no?
I said no. I wasn’t prepared for this question to come at me and I was afraid if I said yes that I would cry in front of this stranger. I honestly forgot that strangers probably do not know what happened to Jonah and me. I honestly just figured that I had a big fat stamp on my forehead that said, “My baby died!”
Since that day I have regretted it so terribly. I feel like I denied him and I didn’t honor him. I know Jonah understands. I made a promise to him that whenever somebody asks me again, I will tell them that I have a son in Heaven. If they want more details, I’d be happy to give them more.
So, other people who read this blog and are going through something similar – be prepared what to say when someone asks you if you have children or asks how many children you have. I don’t care what you say, just prepare yourself on how you’d like to answer. I wasn’t prepared and I wished I would have.
I hope none of you ever have to wear my ugly, shoes.