Last night I couldn’t sleep at all. I woke up at two in the morning and just laid there and thought about my sweet boy. I thought about his little fingers, his tiny ears, his little lips, his nose, his eyelids, and tried to remember every little detail of his little body.
Sometimes it hurts to think so deeply about those details, but I am so afraid if I don’t take myself to that moment – I’ll forget something. I know people tell me that I will never forget, but my mind is already starting to become hazy from that night. Everything was happening so fast and I had no idea what I was doing. It was a roller coaster of a night. The kind of roller coaster that takes you upside down, up and down, side to side, going a hundred miles an hour.
And in that moment when Jonah was born, the roller coaster stopped. Time stood still and nothing else mattered anymore. In that moment it didn’t matter how much money we made, what our house looked like, what kind of clothes we wore, but what mattered was that I became a mom and Drew became a dad and we became a family. We rocked our angel and we wept. We wept for the loss of his life on this beautiful Earth, we wept for our parenthood, we wept for all those sleepless nights, and we wept for all of our dreams for him.
I feel as though my life has been at a halt since that moment. I’m not sure if I’m ready for the ride to start back up again. Someday it will, just not right now.