Thankful

As Thanksgiving approaches, it’s sometimes hard to remember that I still have things to be thankful for. Since losing Jonah, I’ve quite often felt as though nothing matters anymore. My son has died. What else left is there?

I forget there are still a lot of things left that I have to be thankful and grateful for. My mind is so occupied with thoughts of Jonah and what might have been that I forget to see what’s right in front of me. I feel like I’m in a tunnel running directly towards the light, but I fail to see the signs along the way.

Above and beyond anything else, I am thankful that God gave me the gift of Jonah. He gave me the honor of being his mommy. He gave me the privilege of carrying him for seven months and delivering him into this world. He let me hold Jonah and sing him sweet lullabies. I am Jonah’s mommy and he is my angel. And I will forever be grateful for that gift He has given me.

jonahfuneral

My Jonah,

I love you as deep as the oceans, as far as the stars and to all the ends of the earth. I have always loved you. Your daddy and I knew that we were going to have you someday and we already knew long before then how much we loved you. But it wasn’t until I found out I was pregnant, that my world changed. My love for you grew stronger and deeper. I never knew I could love someone so deeply and entirely before I met them. But, I knew you Jonah. I knew you long before I held you. I already knew you had your daddy’s heart – a heart of gold. I already knew you were kind and sweet. I knew you were feisty with your big kicks and your somersaults. I already knew you were the perfect piece to our family. I knew you were the reason why I was here. I knew I was here to be your mom. That’s what I was made to do.

For seven months, it was you and me – together. Everything was better, because we were together. You changed my outlook on the world and opened my eyes to see all the beautiful people and things around me. You brought such great joy into my life. No one could bring me down, because I had you. When we told your grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends about you, they all were so happy that you were coming. Everyone wanted to meet you.

I’ll never forget that first moment when I saw your daddy hold you. He looked at you, with tears in his tears, and smiled. You were perfect. He dreamed of taking you fishing and taking you to your first football game – probably a Packer game πŸ™‚ He became a daddy in those moments and goodness, what a good daddy he is.

Thank you for all the wonderful things you taught me along this journey. You taught me to love unconditionally and without hesitation. You taught me that without love there is no true happiness in life. No money, house, job, car or success can bring you the kind of happiness love can bring. I am a better person because I have you. I will forever see the good in all the surrounds me. My heart feels broken right now, but it still feels full of love.

Jonah, you make my heart sing!

I wish I could shout it from the rooftops!

I was made to love you. And I wish that I could take care of you in the way I dreamed, but I know you are taking care of me right now. And I need it, sweet boy. I need you. I need you to spread your beautiful wings around me and keep me safe.Β You soar among the angels and you are absolutely beautiful.

Thank you, Jonah. Thank you for all the wonderful gifts you have given me. Thank you for letting me be your mommy. I cannot wait to see you again.

I will always love you…

Mommy

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