I’m doing the best I can do, because it’s all I know how to do. I have no idea if I’m doing this the right or wrong way. I’m just doing it. Making it through. Everyone says I’m so strong, but I hardly feel that way. Every time I venture away from my refuge, I feel so vulnerable to those around me. I am more susceptible to the harsh truth of my reality and the pain that comes with. I try to be strong, but then something comes along and knocks me down to my knees.
My grief has become a new normal and I am still adjusting to what this all is. I’m still grieving, just not in the way I did. I can assure you that I am better then I was. I don’t lay on the floor weeping anymore and I can actually take care of myself. I can take a shower without crying (Sometimes, sometimes you just need a good cry in the shower.) and I can put on real clothes (not pajamas).
Those beginning stages of grief were brutal and I would never wish that pain on anyone. Looking back, I was a wreck. I’m still in a lot of pain, but not like that anymore.
Sometimes I still cry, but lately I have just been smiling when I think of my sweet boy. I do a lot of day dreaming about him. I wonder what heaven is like and what he’s doing there. I wonder about what color his eyes are since I never saw them open.
I wonder what it would have been like if Jonah came home with me…
I think about that a lot. What would our house look like? Would the laundry be piled up? Would the dishes be undone and baby gadgets and toys everywhere? Would my family be over all the time to hold him? I can picture my dad coming over to rock him, but then pass him off to me when his diaper started to stink. That thought makes me genuinely smile because I know that’s exactly how it would go.
I wish my family could have met Jonah. My mom was there when Jonah was born, but looking back I feel so bad that I never offered to let her hold him. I feel so selfish about that. I kept him all for myself. I do wish everyone could have met him like Drew and I did. He was so beautiful and pure.
I think about the person I was and the person I am now. I wonder if I’ll ever feel truly happy again and how long that will be. I’m getting better, but so many things still hurt.
Please continue to pray for me.