Lately, I have been feeling ok to go to the grocery store alone and run an errand up town without feeling terrible anxiety. But as I’m out and about in my small town- it is truly amazing to see the how people react to me.
A handful of people tell me about a great loss they had. Whether it was a miscarriage, stillborn or another situation where they lost their child. This is humbling and I so appreciate their openness and willingness to share their story. Everyone’s is so unique and special that I feel so honored to be told. I feel less hurt to know that others have shared my sorrow – yet total pain to know that others have hurt as badly as I do. Thank you to those who were brave and are still standing today. You’re my heroes and I can only hope to stand like you are someday.
A few people wrap their arms around me and say they wish they could take away my pain. That’s a given to make me cry. My mom often tell me that when she sees me hurt this badly about the loss of my son – she hurts just as bad because I, her daughter, is in such pain. I never thought of it that way until she told me.
Some simply ask me how I’m doing, in which, I have to reply – ‘Oh, I’m ok.’ Because it would just be awkward to tell him how I’m still sad – even after almost 5 months. Even though I have to lie, I still appreciate them asking. They still acknowledge that my heart has been through a terrible loss and know I’m not my normal self.
Some people look at me and without saying any words, I know they are so relived that this didn’t happen to them or their children’s children. They can’t imagine a pain like it and are happy it wasn’t them. I’m happy it wasn’t you either. No one deserves this, but it is apart of the plans He has made for me.
Some people try to talk to me about Jonah, yet are so afraid to say his name – that they freeze up and completely avoid the subject. Some people have an extremely hard time dealing with others grief and especially my circumstance. When a 90 year old woman dies – they call it a ‘Celebration of Life.’ She lived a good, long life, so her family celebrates her and all of her accomplishments. But when a 7 month baby dies inside of his mother – they call it a tragedy or the worst. Nobody knows what to do or what to say to make the pain stop. I use to get upset at these people who would be too scared or afraid to acknowledge my loss. It felt like my loss was meaningless to these people or that it didn’t happen. With the help of my husband’s wisdom and experience in dealing with death and grief (he is a funeral director along with my dad and brother), he has helped me to understand that this is my story – so no one is going to know exactly how I feel and how I would like them to act. They don’t know what to say to me because this isn’t their story. They don’t think about it every waking minute like I do. They have their own problems, losses and hindrances in life.
And I’m finally ok with the people who just ignore my story. Mostly, because I don’t want to bring people down. Don’t worry, I will not stop talking about Jonah and our story, but I won’t expect people to ask about my story or feel the need to listen.
Did you know that my first chance at a hello was also my goodbye?