If Jonah had lived in my house and not my heart

jonah

I’ve noticed I haven’t been writing as much lately. At the beginning, I was busting at the seams with feelings and emotions that I thought the world needed to know. I’m at a time where the good days out weigh the bad days and I can feel the sun shine on my face. I catch myself singing and not feeling bad about it. I actually cook now and my poor husband isn’t eating cereal for supper anymore.

The sight of other people’s babies still get at me once in awhile. I mostly think about myself as a mother and how I would be doing at this point in time had Jonah lived inside my house and not my heart. But I tolerate the uncomfortableness of being around babies and push forward. I am just thankful that they never ask me to hold them.

Mostly, the times that haunt me the most – are the times that my husband and I are sitting in our family room with our dogs and watching tv. I look around the room and everything is put in place. The shelves are dusted, the books are aligned just right, the plants are watered, laundry is folded and already put away, the dishes in the other room are done – and it seems as though everything is content and the way it should be. Yet, as we sit in our ‘family’ room, my heart feels out of place.

As Drew watches some ridiculous show about moonshine or deep sea crab fishing, I close my eyes and I imagine a baby in our house. Sometimes I imagine that it is Jonah and other times it’s just a baby – but none the less, ours. I imagine the list of things I would need my husband to do when he got home from work. These ridiculous tv shows would probably be on, but we would be catching up on a mountain of laundry, fighting about whose turn it was to take the dogs out, picking up toys and half eating supper and half watching over our little one.

Those are my day dreams. I know Jonah will forever live in my heart, but I can only hope that someday a baby will live inside my home.

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9 thoughts on “If Jonah had lived in my house and not my heart

  1. Your words are exactly how I feel most days. I can remember when I was able to start listening to music again and then to be able to start singling along again (in the car where no one can hear me of course!). One day we will both have beautiful children in our homes playing at our feet making a huge mess! Can’t wait for that day. Hugs!

  2. Hugs!! I often find myself daydreaming about what life would’ve been like if Aj was with us or if we had a new baby in the house. My arms ache to cuddle and rock my little one. I pray that God will bless you with a beautiful healthy take home baby, a sibling for little Jonah.

    • Thanks, Amy. Everyone around me has noticed I’m doing better. It doesn’t mean the hurt is gone – it’s just not as strong as before. I hope everything is going well with you and Andrew!!! We need to get together sometime soon 🙂

  3. I find myself thinking like this all the time. What if I was still pregnant. 32, almost 33 weeks. I’d have a hospital bag packed (even if we were planning a home birth, because I had Owen at 33w5d) I’d have finally had maternity pictures, and we’d have everything ready. And I’d be huge. So incredibly huge. Wishing you all the luck in the world that you get your living baby someday. Big hugs.

    P.s. Is it bad form to ask if you guys are trying? I don’t think you’ve posted about it, which is probably a conscious choice,s o feel free to ignore me.

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