10,000 Dollars


I left work early today to spend my time buttoning up and organizing our last bit before we turn in our taxes. A family friend does our taxes since ours are already complicated. We visited him last month to see what we needed to do yet. He mentioned that we should look over our medical bills from this year and tally it all up to see if we could ‘write it off.’

I’m sitting here and adding up every medical bill I paid in 2013. At each bill, I remember the appointment. I remember if it was before or after we found out about our complications. Then when I come across a bill from Iowa City that reads the date I gave birth to Jonah, I can’t help it but cry.

Once I added it all up – I realized over 10,000 dollars later and no baby in my arms.

Just a broken heart.

This was a hard year.

Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually and Financially.

Don’t get me wrong, we have plenty of money and are doing fine, but it just really hurts. If Jonah was here, I could care less about it. It’s just that every bill that comes in the mail is another reminder that my body failed me and it failed us. A silly little piece of paper turns me upsides down. And it seems as though they won’t stop coming in 2014.

10,000 dollars and no baby in my arms.


17 thoughts on “10,000 Dollars

  1. That must have been so hard, hugs xxx I won’t even look at my appointment summary sheets from the doctor anymore, because every one of them says ‘previous pregnancy with fetal demise’ on the bottom.

  2. I am right there with you! The amount we have spent in the past 2 years on medical trying to get pregnant and stay pregnant is so high I don’t even like to think about it. Praying that next year both of our taxes can have child care on them!!

  3. I understand this so much. I am still fighting a bill from Noah’s birth that should be covered. And we’ll be paying on my HG treatment through December. If he was here, I wouldn’t care so much.

    • I am so sorry! I feel like the code those bills too so you can’t understand them! I sometimes swear that we are paying for things we shouldn’t and then I just get too overwhelmed to even beginning thinking about trying to sort it out. It’s awful and I am so sorry you have to feel this pain too…

  4. I totally relate! I had all the medical bills related to Luke. They are hurtful reminders and don’t seem fair. We owe a lot still and don’t have plenty of money. It’s puts a dent in my budget each month even though we are making minimal payments to many of them. Stinks.

  5. I still have unpaid medical bills from our Jaxson. They seem so unimportant. Especially after the birth/death….Stranger reminder that the rest of the world goes on, while it seems ours stand still. You will they could send out a notice on all those bills to say- hey hold off a few months on these they are going to be in grief and shock. But even months later it won’t matter. Hugs sent to you fellow angel mommy.

  6. I know exactly how you feel when you say it comes in waves. I keep thinking it will get easier but it just doesn’t. I just think about it less and less. And I suppose that in and of itself is a blessing, but it still makes those times when I do remember just as painful. We are just now getting the bills from our sweet Molly.

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