The Most Haunting Dreams

I have written before about how I go through periods of sleepless nights and nights where I’m completely exhausted and I all but fall asleep before my head hits the pillow. I also have periods of times where I have – well I can’t decide if they are nightmares or just dreams. Either way, they are strange and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night just screaming because they feel so real. I really think my husband believes I’m going crazy. I feel bad for him.

The most vivid dream happened a few weeks ago and I just can’t seem it get it out of my thoughts.

I was at some random house with some friends (husband and wife who just had a baby boy themselves) and Drew was not there. Our friends were in another room, while I was in the room with a baby boy. I was taking care of him and getting him ready for bed. It felt so good. I was smiling and talking to him. And then the friends come in and say, “Get away! That’s our baby. You don’t have one, remember?” I hand the baby boy over and realize, “Oh yeah. I don’t have a baby.”

I have also had some dreams about trying to nurse and hold a baby. These dreams are haunting. They feel so real that I wake up just wishing I could go back. I realize that I really don’t have a baby in my arms and my friends were right. It’s so hard to watch everything going perfectly for everyone else around me. That sounds so incredibly selfish, but I can’t help it. I am so happy for my family and friends and I would never want this to happen to them – but the jealously and anger sometimes creep in and I go back to the same questions – “Why could I not hold my baby in my arms and take care of him the way I dreamed?”

Life is forever moving forward as I sit here feeling stuck in my own world asking God and myself these questions. I’m so stuck right now. Moving along day by day – yet not really moving at all.


7 thoughts on “The Most Haunting Dreams

  1. I’m sorry this happens to you. It sucks that even in dreams there is no relief from this pain. Personally, I pray every night to have a dream of my Linden and it never happens. I wake up every morning feeling disappointed.
    It’s so hard and you are by no means selfish for wanting the same happiness you see others have. I hope you find relief from your dreams, nightmares, and realities. One foot in front of the other, your day will come. Hugs to you. xoxo

  2. Dreams are horrible 😦 I feel like songs are haunting as well. Two songs that get me bawling is “Glory Baby” by watermark and “Fix You” by Coldplay.

  3. I’m just seeing this post today. Oh Maggie, my heart hurts for you, for all of us. I’ve had a few dreams where I was either pregnant or caring for a baby who is far too small. I’m always so confused when I awake from them. They really do feel real.

    Life really has continued to move, super quick around us, but you are not alone. We are stuck here together…I’m praying for you….for all of us.

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