I have written before about how I go through periods of sleepless nights and nights where I’m completely exhausted and I all but fall asleep before my head hits the pillow. I also have periods of times where I have – well I can’t decide if they are nightmares or just dreams. Either way, they are strange and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night just screaming because they feel so real. I really think my husband believes I’m going crazy. I feel bad for him.
The most vivid dream happened a few weeks ago and I just can’t seem it get it out of my thoughts.
I was at some random house with some friends (husband and wife who just had a baby boy themselves) and Drew was not there. Our friends were in another room, while I was in the room with a baby boy. I was taking care of him and getting him ready for bed. It felt so good. I was smiling and talking to him. And then the friends come in and say, “Get away! That’s our baby. You don’t have one, remember?” I hand the baby boy over and realize, “Oh yeah. I don’t have a baby.”
I have also had some dreams about trying to nurse and hold a baby. These dreams are haunting. They feel so real that I wake up just wishing I could go back. I realize that I really don’t have a baby in my arms and my friends were right. It’s so hard to watch everything going perfectly for everyone else around me. That sounds so incredibly selfish, but I can’t help it. I am so happy for my family and friends and I would never want this to happen to them – but the jealously and anger sometimes creep in and I go back to the same questions – “Why could I not hold my baby in my arms and take care of him the way I dreamed?”
Life is forever moving forward as I sit here feeling stuck in my own world asking God and myself these questions. I’m so stuck right now. Moving along day by day – yet not really moving at all.