Keeping busy is what I have to do to push away the hurt for awhile. The hurt is always there, but sometimes it helps to stay busy and keep occupied. But it’s the moments like now, when my busyness has calmed and I find my mind looking for something to keep me occupied.
I started a new job last week and I think it will help. Although this is not how I pictured everything, keeping busy always helps. I am the new Program Coordinator for the Star Mentoring Program in my community. It is part time and has the potential to go full time, which is nice. The whole job is very low stress compared to teaching which is exactly what I need.
Since Jonah died, I feel as though I can hardly handle any kind of stress that comes my way. Drew and my family have noticed it too. When Jonah was alive and I knew of our complications and the potential threat of losing him, I had to keep myself positive and trick myself into believing everything was going to be ok. I knew the odds of his survival was slim, but any stress I felt – he felt. Besides the complications, I didn’t want any more reason to hurt him.
For over five awful long weeks, I keep the stress hiding and tucked away in a closet. After Jonah was born and my body was going through all of the crazy things it does after childbirth, the stress finally starting to come out and I think it still continues to. When other stress comes in my life, I have no idea how to handle and deal with it anymore. Something goes wrong and I can’t help but panic and give up hope. This is so awful, but I often say, “Why would something ever go right for me anyways?” or “My baby died. This might as well go wrong too.” It’s hard to be positive when the worst has happened to you. Luckily, my husband is Mr. Positive and keeps me on track. Ha ha. He often tells me, “It could definitely be worse – I could not have you too…” Which is so true, but there goes to show I’m a Debbie Downer again. He is too kind to me. And yes, things could always be worse.
But it’s the moments in my life lately when the busyness has calmed and the list of things to do has dwindled down that I can’t believe that this is my life. Our life. Drew and mine. We were so happy, yet now so broken.
It’s almost been ten months since Jonah was born and I still think the people around me forget just how heartbroken I am. That day – August 13th… my heart shattered into a million broken pieces and it is simply impossible to get it back together again. I’m still a mess.
I just miss my baby so much…