The whole month of August has been hard for me. Making my head realize that it has been one year is so hard for me to grasp. I keep thinking, “A year ago today I was this or a year ago today I was that…”
Today marks one year that I was told my baby had died. Even though his birthday is tomorrow – there is a pain of today that is greater than the sorrow of what tomorrow will bring. A year ago this morning, I woke up feeling tired and sick. I went to hospital and was told by the doctors that they were 100% certain that my baby was dead inside of me. The physical pain and emotional pain began on the 12th and went into the early morning hours of the 13th when my baby was born still.
The 12th of August was the day we made phone calls to our family, friends, our priest and anyone else close to us to let them know our son had died and we were going to Iowa City where I was to be induced into labor. Driving down I was so scared. I had no idea what I was doing or what was going to happen. I’ve said this before, but whether I wanted to or not – I had to participate in the death of my baby. No one else could do it for me. Even though I know Drew or my mom would have easily take my place had they could. This was something I had to do on my own. For my baby.
At 2:10am on August the 13th – I got to meet my handsome little prince. The 13th brings a smile to my face if you can somehow believe it. That early morning Drew and I held something we made together. A part of him and a part of me. It was so sad, yet so calming at the same time. In the moments that I first met him, my life was instantly changed. We were a family. Together. But who knew that our hello would also be our goodbye.
I look back at those first months that came after this death/birth and I wonder how I ever made it through. I was a wreck and even reading some of my old blog posts I wonder how I ever came out the darkness. I still have my moments, but I can see the light and I can see that losing my son was apart of His plan. I’ve accepted it. I’ve learned from it. I’m moving on.
Last night I was saddened to see that a beloved childhood actor, Robin Williams had died. He was speculated to have been in a deep depression and had taken his life. Although, I am saddened by his death and I send my prayers and thoughts to his family… at the same time, I am so proud of myself. I am so proud that without medication and without therapy, I have overcome depression and stepped onto the other side. I think this is the first time I have ever admitted that I was depressed, but then again how could I not be. After all the stress and grief I had to process in the last year…
But then again, there is nothing I would ever change. Jonah has been such a gift to me and although it is hard for some to see, I loved the pain I experienced afterwards. It has made me who I am today and has strengthen some of my most important relationships.
So today I am going to cry and I am going to cry a lot. I am letting myself hurt today and tomorrow. And I leave with my favorite quote from the movie, What Dreams May Come.
“A whole human life is just a heartbeat here in Heaven. Then we’ll all be together forever.” – Robin Williams as Chris Nielsen in What Dreams May Come
****I have never shown anyone this picture before. It is so special to me that I have been reluctant to share with others. But I thought this was probably the most appropriate time to do so. I’m still debating whether I should put it on my Facebook tomorrow for the world to see. Is it too much for people?