Today I thought about what I would say if I could write a letter to myself a year ago this time. I thought about what it was like a year ago and I remember everything had seemingly gone back to normal for everyone else. While I was still hurting so badly on the inside, yet seemed somewhat put together on the outside. I had started showering regularly, wearing real clothes and working again. But inside there was no hope.
So, if I could write a letter to me this is what I’d say…
Every day is hard and it will be hard every day after this. Each day will bring something that will hurt, but sometimes it will also bring you a smile. It may be hard to believe, but it will. You’ll see something that will remind you of him and it will brighten your darkest of days. Please remember, you are a great mother. And your love for your son is no less than a mother with living children. He is with you always.
Lastly, there is hope. In January you will ask God to give you a miracle. You will be given the most beautiful miracle you could ever imagine, much like a rainbow. Just be patient. I know it’s hard.
In January I did ask God to give me a miracle. At the time I didn’t really know what I wanted from him, but I wanted a sign that there was still hope for me. That my life didn’t always have to be so sad. The end of June, He gave me the greatest miracle I could have asked for. I found two pink lines on a pregnancy test and every day since then has been a miracle.
I am currently 23 weeks pregnant and our little girl is perfect. I began my pregnancy at a high risk and have recently been taken off and been give the go ahead to doctor locally. I feel so incredibly different then I had a year ago this time and I was just thinking about it all today. I still think of Jonah every day and wish that he was here. I know he is up there looking out for me and his little sister, Micah. Oh, and we are naming her Micah. Which was my husband’s idea. The book in the Bible after Jonah is my sweet girl, Micah.
**Here is a picture of me at 20 weeks and 4 days**